Depression

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What is Depression?

I’ve watched a video about someone who talked about his depression before he died.

Honestly, I felt his pain and struggle. I don’t want to judge the way he lived his life and how he fought his depression for years. He had a good job, probably earning a lot, graduated from one of the exclusive schools that most companies put into their ad when they looked for someone to hire. But in spite of it, he was diagnosed as a depressed person.

He talked about his fear of losing his grandmother. He was in grade six. When I was in grade six, I knew that my later mother had heart disease. The doctor advised her not to get pregnant again. But she did. It was a failed pregnancy because maybe the child felt she’s not welcome. I was not happy about it because at a very young age I knew her condition. When she got pregnant again, every day was a pure nightmare. Every three days we rushed her to the hospital. It didn’t stop even after she gave birth. She died one month after my sister was born. I was 16. I have three siblings, and we only have a father. We are not rich. We struggled for years that I was in college with a 6k tuition fee. My father’s paycheck wasn’t enough that’s why after his work (he’s a secondary teacher in Antipolo National High School), he would take out his tricycle after he ate his dinner and earn as a tricycle driver so I could have a 200 pesos allowance. That’s how hard it was. To see my father would go such length so his children could get a diploma.

Is fear can be described as depression?

I’m afraid of a lot of things. Losing people that we love. A family. When my mother died, I put myself into something, like a box, so I could function. So I will not think my mother is dead. I had to. I had to make myself strong, because I had to finish college and help my father raised my siblings. But after some years, that wall that I put myself around me broke down and I was crying every night. The difference? I was older and realizing I have lost her would never make my day better. Was it even depression? I never regard it as such.

Is sadness can be described as depression?

I was sad most of the time after that wall broke down and hit me with the reality that my mother was already gone. I was sad about remembering her last days. I was there. It was even sadder realizing we never had that kind of talk. I was sad most of the time when I came across with frustration when I failed the licensure exam. Engineering is not my preferred course. I performed well when I was in elementary but never was an achiever or academically competitive when I was in high school and college. Competing is not my thing even before. But I wanted to be there on top. I just didn’t work hard. I was graduating in high school when I realized how I failed myself. I’ve always wanted to keep that ‘honor’ attached to my name. I was sad after I realized I couldn’t take it all back. I was sad that my dream to be on top of the class never happened. Was it even depression? To wake up every day and realized you’ll never take those years back.

Is being bullied can be described as depression?

I am a cleft-palate patient. It was only after grade six that my palate was done. From kindergarten, I was bullied. Classmates, schoolmates, playmates used to laugh at me when I speak. I was young, insecure, bullied, and afraid of people. I remembered how insecure I was during kinder. No one liked to have a seat with me. I didn’t want to go to school because I felt left alone. I had no friend then. My Lola had to stay the whole class so I had someone with me who liked me. Was it depression? I never regard it as such.

And it didn’t stop from there. From high school to college even after I have proven myself, people would laugh at me when I speak. Should I feel depressed? I didn’t feel depressed. But I wasn’t happy about it either.

Don’t say I’m stronger than he is. Or people who are suffering from depression. I feel their pain and I wished they could also hear our stories. I tried to work out on my inner battle. Every day. It’s not a one-time battle. Every day you have to fight your right to live this life. Peacefully. Happily. Worry-free. Our friends, loved ones or people we’ve met have no responsibility whatsoever for our happiness or inner demons and monsters. We have to deal with it on our own. Keep believing you deserved to be happy. You deserved to have a peaceful life.

But aside from trying to fight for your life to live free, keep your faith when you are weary.

I prayed to be strong. I prayed to have more faith. While I keep fighting my will to live a better life.

I may not know how it feels like to be clinically depressed. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the sadness or the emptiness. I did. I still do.

But I keep on fighting my right to live the way I deserved to live.

#FightYourInnerDemon
#Depression

“Accept yourself as what you are. Dream high as long as you are breathing.” – Joy Natividad
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